People who say "your heart doesn't divide with two kids, it grows" if full of it. Now let me immediately clarify that I didn't think I could ever love a little baby as much as I love Gabrielle, then after that I didn't think I could ever love another baby or a little boy as much as I loved my daughter. Totally wrong. Little Oliver Maxwell stole my heart as soon as I saw him and I could not be more bonded with my sweet baby boy.
BUT......that doesn't matter to your kids. They see love as attention, being held, being played with, being fed immediately at the first sign of hunger. When you have two kids (especially when one is a newborn), that doesn't happen all the time. In that sense, your "love" is divided. No getting around it. And it's an adjustment for everyone.
When I was pregnant, I bounced back and forth between wondering if I could really love another baby like I love Gabrielle. Honestly I just couldn't comprehend it. And I wondered if I might resent having a toddler at home because I couldn't devote 100% of my time (not even close) to bonding with and taking care of the new baby. And I also wondered if I would resent having a needy baby again and not being able to get up and go do all the stuff Gabs and I were used to doing. Lots of conflicting, paranoid thoughts.
And it is tough; I am divided between the two. Especially when Oliver was a newborn he would be crying and eat constantly and all Gabs wanted was to play a game or color with me and I couldn't. And then there are times when I just want to hold Oliver and enjoy his baby squishiness while he naps, but Gabrielle is talking 100 miles an hour in my ear and asking me to play dolls and get her game out and paint pictures and do glue and help her dress up in her princess outfit and on and on and on. Ok. In the bouncy chair goes the baby. We can't do all the stuff like we used to. We can't all go out to dinner or do much fun family stuff because of Oliver being a little baby. But this time will pass; all too quickly, in retrospect. I'm trying to make it a point to thoroughly enjoy this time in our lives because we'll never again have a spunky and sweet three year old girl and a smiley and squishy baby boy. Even though it's not always fun and sometimes it's downright hard, I try to enjoy it....or at least take it all in.
I do feel a type of closure after having Oliver that I never had after having Gabrielle. During her life I always thought about her brother or sister we'd have someday (God willing, of course). Saving all her baby toys, clothes, crib, everything that our other little baby would need someday. And when I found out I was pregnant again I knew either way - if we were having a boy or girl - I would be so happy and excited. And on small [and socially unacceptable] level I knew I would be a little disappointed.
If we were having another girl, we wouldn't experience having a boy. It was a whole side of life that we wouldn't get to experience - choosing a boy name, buying all the boy clothes and boy stuff, watching him play t-ball/basketball/soccer/whatever he likes, and so on throughout his little phantom life. If we had a boy, Gabrielle wouldn't have a sister and that made me sad. I would have to let go of all her clothes and baby girl toys that I had saved for her possible sister someday, and just get my head wrapped around something different. So at the ultrasound I knew either way I would be so excited about what we were getting, but I would also have to let go the idea of a son or a sister for Gabs.
After having Oliver, I am just obsessed with that baby boy and wouldn't trade him for 1,000 girls. Or any other boy for that matter. He is a sweet, amazing little person and I love him so much. Gabs and Oliver Max are the two little people that were meant to be with us.
Having two kids definitely changes the family dynamic. But I wouldn't trade having two kids for the world. I love having a girl and boy and I feel like a more well-rounded person for having these two little people. It is a much different life, having two kids instead of one, but I hope they will both ultimately benefit from it. And I reeeeeally hope they can be somewhat close as they grow up.
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